One of the things I appreciate about the Gordon Model is how it can function as a common currency in relationships where both people have had access to learning the skills.

In this systematic way of looking at, maintaining, and improving relationships, certain ways of communicating have a known positive value and certain ways of communicating have a known negative value.

The skills of self-disclosure (I-Messages), Active Listening, and No-Lose Problem Solving all have a known positive (+) value.

Whenever you use these skills, it's like money in the bank of the relationship.


You-Messages (which we could also look at as the avoidance of self-disclosure), Roadblockers (twelve common ways of speaking or "helping" that usually impede the flow of communication when there is a problem), and solving conflict through the use of power (I win, you lose / you win, I lose) will always take money out (-) of the Relationship Bank.

The good news is that if you do make a withdrawal, it's just as easy to make a deposit back into the bank. You can go back and re-do something.

Lee-Anne, who co-teaches P.E.T., describes an example of this and how the Relationship Bank changed her perspective in her experience of learning and applying the skills:

As you're going through [P.E.T.], parents start to go, "oh, I can't believe I said all these things." But we can look at it as if we're just replacing our current way of doing things – we're replenishing the relationship bank. Because then there's less self-criticism.

I mean, I spent a long time having to get over the fact of how bad I was feeling and how horrible I was treating myself because of all the mistakes I was making, when really, if I had the relationship bank in my brain, I could have been more positive about my progress and stayed focused on the fact that when I do use the skills, they work.

I sent Jason an order – I was like, "You need to go to bed." It was 11:30 at night or something, and he was not in bed. And then I walked away and I thought, oh, I just pulled out of my relationship bank. So I turned around and went back in there and I said, "Oh buddy, I need to rephrase that. Here's my I-."

And I sent him an I-Message. He felt better. I felt better, and I put into my relationship bank right away. That concept gave me the idea that I can fix this – I don't have to self-criticize. I can change what just happened.