In the Gordon programs, we learn how to communicate our needs, wants, and values with others in an assertive way.

I noticed how easy it is to fall into feelings of resentment or blame when you feel the pressure to say "yes" to something you don't actually want to do or that isn't meeting your needs. But if you don't know what your needs are in the first place, it's hard to feel clear about what to choose.

Knowing your own needs helps to snap major decisions into place. The first step in learning to do this is to separate needs from solutions.

Things, toys, trips, tasks, jobs, specific choices – these are all usually solutions. A need is something intangible that underpins the specific solution you could choose.

You can use this key question to separate needs from solutions:

What will that do for me?


For example:

"I need to exercise every day." <– this is a solution

"What would exercising every day do for me?"

The answer is: "It will help me stay healthy."

So the need, in this example situation, is to stay healthy. And there are many possible solutions to help accomplish that.

Doing the work to uncover needs of your own is invaluable. It gives you more understanding and more leverage over your own time and energy, and can help you say "yes" or "no" appropriately in different situations.